


In This Silence, I Am Free

by haledamage



Category: Pillars of Eternity
Genre: Drunken Shenanigans, F/M, it's so fluffy sheep are jealous, or at least tipsy shenanigans, this is just pure fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-20
Updated: 2017-08-20
Packaged: 2018-12-17 16:03:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11854989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haledamage/pseuds/haledamage
Summary: In the aftermath of Sun in Shadow, Kai is done with secrets, but she still has one last one to tell.





	In This Silence, I Am Free

**Author's Note:**

> For the Pillars Weekly Prompt
> 
> title is from "Silence" by Delirium ft. Sarah McLachlan
> 
> unbetaed, unbowed, unbroken

Kai stood over the body of the man who'd once been her mentor, a man she had respected and given up everything for, a man who had taken everything from her once and had tried to do so again. She wanted so badly to be mad at Thaos, to feel that rage that had kept her going this long, to feel sad about all the lives he'd stolen and all the lifetimes he'd wasted, but she felt nothing. She was spent. She was empty.

She was so, _so_ tired.

She sent his soul back to the Wheel with the smallest effort of will, but even that was enough to make her stumble, and she would have fallen if not for Edér's solid hand on her shoulder.

"You okay, Kiki?"

She tried to answer, but she couldn't find the energy for words; instead, she just nodded and stepped away, walking resolutely toward the machine and the end of her long journey. She'd made a promise, and she wasn't the type to break promises, not even to false gods.

The machine powered up and the world went green, then purple, then finally, blissfully black.

\-------

When Kai woke up, she was still at the base of the machine where she'd fallen. Someone had folded up a cloak to cushion her head; it smelled like vanilla and leather and ozone. Aloth's, then. She took a deep breath, letting the familiar scent calm her, and sat up.

"Good morning, sleepyhead. 'Bout time you rejoined the land of the living." Edér smiled around his pipe at her from where he sat a few feet away. "We thought about wakin' you, but honestly you needed the sleep."

"How long was I out?" she rasped. She sounded like she'd been eating sandpaper.

"At least half a day, though it's hard to tell down here," Aloth said as he came over to them and offered a waterskin, which she took gratefully. "We were starting to worry you wouldn't wake up." He sat down next to her and picked up his cloak, pulling it into his lap. "Are you all right?"

Kai nodded. She tried to reply, but her voice cracked and then she couldn't find it at all. She took a drink of water, but no use.

When she tried to speak again, Edér held up a hand. "Maybe take a break from the talking, Kiki. You were… there was a lot of screaming, while you were touchin' that machine. I don't know what happened, but it sounded like it wasn't pleasant."

He stood and pulled Kai and Aloth to their feet. While Aloth put his cloak back on, Edér kept hold of Kai. He reached up and held her chin with calloused fingers, turning her head this way and that as if looking for something, then cupped her face with both hands and held her eyes with his. "You alone in there?"

It was only then that she realized how clear her head was. There were no whispers, no shapes or shadows at the edge of her vision. Iorena's memories were all there, but that's all they were now. She grinned at her friend and he pulled her into a hug.

"Good," he said. "Now what do you say we get you some food and find our way outta here so we can go home?"

\-------

"It's so quiet."

It's the first thing Kai had said in days. She was silent all the way out of Sun in Shadow, on the long hike back to the surface, on the boat ride back to Twin Elms and the walk back to the Hearthsong district. She sat now at a window in the Celestial Sapling, watching the sun rise over Eir Glanfath and the Dyrwood.

Aloth looked up from his book. The others were downstairs at the bar, drinking to celebrate their hard-won success, but he had stayed with Kai, to keep her company or keep an eye on her, or maybe just to avoid socializing, she wasn't sure which. He sat in the chair next to hers, waiting patiently for her to find her voice again.

He met her eyes and smiled. "Welcome back," he said, voice gentle but still carrying in the empty room.

"Good to _be_ back. I feel like it's been months since I've been this…" she paused, searching for the right word, then settled on "this present."

"Since the riot in Defiance Bay. When Thaos killed the duc. It's like you've only been halfway here ever since." He studied her face, expression unreadable. "You finally got your answer. Was it what you expected?"

She thought about it for several long moments, silence stretching in the golden morning light, before finally she said, "It was much bigger and much smaller than I thought it would be." She dropped her eyes to her lap, studying her hands as she twisted one of her rings. "I sacrificed my twin sister, my people, eventually even myself, I tortured and killed thousands, all out of cowardice. Fear of Thaos, of the gods, of the truth. I can't change that."

Kai looked back up and met Aloth's eyes again. "No more. Iorena ix Ensios was afraid of the truth, but Kai Cirdani is not. I'm done with keeping secrets. Not even…" she took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Not even my own."

"Something you've been thinking about for a while, then?" It wasn't a question, not really, but his careful way of speaking made it sound like one.

"Days. Maybe weeks. Time got a little fuzzy there for a while." Now that the moment was upon her, Kai felt nervous butterflies in her chest, but if she could face down her former mentor and the ghost of her once-sister, she could surely face her closest friend.

"Take as long as you need."

She studied the man next to her. He had changed so much since they first met; they both had, she supposed. He had stopped hiding in the deep hood of his cloak in the weeks since he'd finally made peace with Iselmyr, and his posture was tall and confident. He carried it well. He commanded attention when he entered a room instead of hiding from it, and eyes (including Kai's) followed him as he passed. She found it… incredibly attractive, and considering how she'd felt before, that was certainly saying something.

Aloth watched her as she stared at him, small smile full of curiosity and, unless she was just projecting, a touch of hope.

In was in the face of that hope that Kai found her voice again. "You must know." she said quietly, "I've never been any good at keeping things from you. I've worn my heart on my sleeve since the day we met. Here I was, thinking I was going to tell my only remaining secret, but… you _must_ already know."

"Know what, Kai?"

"I love you."

Whatever he'd expected, that clearly wasn't it. He stared at her, slack-jawed with shock, eyes widening to an almost comical degree.

Kai felt a giggle bubble up unbidden at the realization that he _truly didn't know_. "Aloth. Darling. You really had no idea? After all this time?" She bit her lip hard to stop laughing, but it was still audible in her voice. "I thought I was terribly obvious. Even strangers can tell. The erl addresses his letters to the Lord and Lady of Caed Nua." 

Aloth still didn't say anything, and she felt her smile fade, giddiness replaced again with nervousness, but she kept talking to fill the silence. "I should have told you months ago, but… I thought this mission would claim my sanity and likely my life as well, and keeping it to myself seemed like the greater kindness. To you, at least, if not myself."

"Months?" The word seemed to burst out of him and spurred him into motion. He sat forward on the edge of the chair until his knees brushed hers. He wrung his hands together in his lap, but his gaze was steady on hers. "You mean we could have had… could've been... for months? Kai…"

"Since Maerwald," she said, once it became clear that he wasn't going to say more. "I was terrified after we spoke to him, seeing this terrible future laid out in front of me. And you were so kind, and you helped me piece myself back together when all I wanted was to fall apart. I never had to pretend, with you, that I was anything other than stumbling blindly in the dark. I was completely, ridiculously infatuated.

"But the first… the first time I realized it was more than that was that day in the March, when I dove in the lake and you spent hours helping me untangle my hair afterward. It was such a silly time to realize it, but there it was. I've wanted to tell you so many times and always bit it back. It was selfish of me. Worst case scenario, you would leave, and best case, I still expected to be dead or mad before Mid Year. But I'm not, and you're still here, and I'm just going to keep babbling until you say something. Please _say something_."

He still didn't say anything, though, so Kai sighed and let silence take the room again. She scrubbed her hands over her face and into her hair, turning her already unraveling braid into a frizzy mess. She sighed again and took her hair down, combing her fingers through it until it fell around her shoulders. Anything to keep from looking at Aloth.

"Do you remember that day at the sanitarium?" He asked, voice hesitant but steady.

Kai snapped her eyes toward him, but he wasn't looking at her. He was staring out the window, eyes on a distant memory.

"Yes," she breathed. She didn't need to ask what day he meant.

"I was… _haunted_ by that day, for weeks afterward. But not that ghastly woman or her machine or even the events I was forced to relive. It was you. Your hand in mine, your caress on my arm, your fingers in my hair, your voice in my ear."

He reached across and took her hand, studying their laced fingers as if he'd never seen them before. "I saw the bruises I left. You tried to hide them so I wouldn't feel guilty. No one had ever—had ever _cared_ about me like that before, had ever put my well-being above their own. I couldn't stop thinking about it. Iselmyr knew exactly what was bothering me, of course, but I'd spent so long assuming everything she said was wrong that I didn't want to listen."

Kai had to clear her throat twice before she could speak, and even then her voice was small and breathy. "And what does she think of this?"

Aloth grinned, an echo of a look Kai usually associated with his Awakened personality. "She's wanted you since we first laid eyes on you, when you stepped between me and those drunks in Gilded Vale. She's never been shy about that." He paused, listening to a voice Kai couldn't hear. "She says we're idiots. That we should have," he laughed, "should have 'got our heads out of our asses ages ago and spent the last few months naked instead of pining.' That's an approximate translation, of course."

"Well, I mean, she's not wrong," she said. Aloth blushed scarlet all the way to the tips of his ears and it was Kai's turn to laugh. "I wish you could see the look on your face, darling. Relax. I'm not in any hurry, and even if I was, the rooms here don't have doors. But that's... a conversation for another day, I think. Maybe start with buying me a drink."

He studied her for a long moment. "I think I can handle that." He stood and pulled her to her feet. "No time like the present."

\-------

Kai was acutely aware of Aloth's hand at the small of her back as he guided her down the stairs to the inn's common room. She knew she must be visibly blushing as their friends came into view, but she couldn't bring herself to mind.

The Celestial Sapling's common room was mostly empty at such an early hour, the locals and other patrons either sleeping or going about their daily business, so most of the faces that turned to watch Kai and Aloth descend the stairs were familiar.

"Hey, there's the woman of the hour!" Edér called across the room, smile wide. "And Aloth!" He rose from the table and crossed the room to pull them both into a big bear hug. "You done being all creepy and reclusive?"

"For now, perhaps, but the day is young," Kai said with an answering smile. "If you buy us the first round, I may even wait until after noon before any unnerving blank staring." She felt Aloth's hand in hers again and that, combined with the warm weight of Edér's arm over her shoulder, brought back her giddy mood from earlier. They had won. They'd really won and she was still there, and so were the people she loved. And also Durance, she supposed, but her normal ire at the priest was tempered in the face of victory.

Aloth leaned close as Edér went to the bar and murmured into her ear, "I thought I was supposed to buy you a drink."

Kai pressed her lips to his cheek. "Enjoy your free drink, darling. It's early yet. You'll get your chance."

Whatever he meant to say in reply was interrupted by Edér's return with drinks in tow. He took in their linked hands, then the matching blush spreading across their faces, and grinned as bright as the morning sun. "So does this mean I'm not your favorite anymore?"

"Oh, Edér, my dear," she said, patting his cheek affectionately, "Aloth's always been my favorite."

He barked a laugh and handed her a stein of dark ale. "You tell him that?"

"I used a lot more words, but yes."

"Good." Edér threw his arms around their shoulders again and pulled them toward the others. "I've been watching the two of you staring at each other when the other ain't looking for near on a year now. If you didn't say something soon, I was gonna lock you in a room together 'til someone confessed."

Kai took a sip from her drink to hide her smile, and was pleasantly surprised to find it sweet instead of the bitterness she associated with Dyrwoodan beers. "You're a good friend, Edér," she said.

"Second favorite?"

She pretended to think about it. "That seems fair."

Edér made a big show of rearranging the chairs at the table so Kai and Aloth could sit next to each other, and by the time she finally sat down, Kai's face and ears burned with embarrassment.

They'd barely sat down when Kana stood up from his seat across the table. "I would like to propose a toast," he said, voice carrying to every corner of the room and drawing all eyes to him, "to the Lady of Caed Nua!"

"To her friends!" Kai added, face somehow even redder, and a cheer went up through the room.

Over the next few rounds, many toasts were made. Each of Kai's companions got their own toast, even Durance, who scowled and grumbled but she swore she saw a ghost of a smile hidden behind his ale, only to be gone again when Kana clapped him on the shoulder. They toasted to Caed Nua and Steward and Od Nua's titan below the keep, and to the late Duc Avar and Lady Webb and even Maerwald for the part he played in bringing them all together. They toasted to Iovara, to Thaos's defeat, to Stalwart and the White Forge and Adaryc and his Iron Flail. To the end of Waidwen's Legacy.

Somewhere around the time they started toasting to the innkeeper in Gilded Vale and Rumbald's pigs, Kai caught the Grieving Mother's eye from where she sat, slightly removed from the rest of the group with a glass of water. Kai lifted her mug with a smile and, after a moment and a flash of surprise, Mother responded in kind. The others wouldn't toast to her, but Kai would always remember and value what she'd done for her. Kai felt the warmth of Mother's gratitude like a blanket around her soul before she let herself fade into the background again and Kai's attention was dragged back to the others.

They were four drinks in by the time Aloth finally got his chance to buy Kai a drink (though she was fairly sure she'd only had two and Maneha had taken the others, but she couldn't prove it). He handed her a glass of red wine and touched his glass to hers. "To new beginnings."

She smiled. "To new beginnings." She took a sip of her wine and leaned close so she could keep her voice low but still be heard over the din of the room. "Can we be out of things to toast? I'm fairly certain they're drinking to Kana's ancestors now."

"Let's go for a walk, then," Aloth said as he took her hand and pulled her to her feet. Kai felt a momentary rush of dizziness as all she'd been drinking went to her head and she closed her eyes until it passed. She opened her eyes again to see him grinning at her. "You _can_ still walk, right?"

"If I say no, will you carry me?"

He opened his mouth to say something, but instead just shook his head and led her toward the door. Her delighted cackle was drowned out by another cheer from the others as they left the room.

\-------

It was mid-afternoon when they stepped out onto the solid ground of Hearthsong. The air was warm as spring finally started to settle in, and smelled of wildflowers and wood smoke. It was quiet, kith going about their day to day chores and paying no mind to the two elves as they walked along the paths.

"It's strange," said Kai as a pair of laughing children ran past them, "to remember it's just another day. That for everyone else, nothing has really changed."

"I know what you mean. With all the revelations of the past few days, it feels like they should have left more of a mark on someone outside our circle."

"They will. Word of the end of the Legacy will spread."

"And no one will know the role you played in that," Aloth said softly. He tucked Kai's hand into the crook of his elbow as they walked, covering her hand with his. It seemed a strangely formal gesture considering how long they'd been sleeping in the same tent, but his skin was warm and his proximity made her heart jump.

She leaned her head on his shoulder. " _You_ will. The ones who matter will. That's enough."

They walked in silence for a while, not heading anywhere in particular, just enjoying each other's company. A few locals greeted them as they passed; they still called them _estramor_ , but it lacked the hostility it had once carried.

"I've been thinking about our conversation this morning," Aloth said as their meandering path took them to the top of Hearthsong's Engwithin ruins, "I said a lot of things that I've wanted to tell you for a long time, but I left something out."

He stopped walking and turned to face her. "I love you, Kai. I have for a long time, and I wanted to make sure you know that. I'm yours, if you'll have me."

He looked as nervous as Kai had ever seen him, which she found both inexplicable and endearing, especially considering she'd already confessed the same. She cupped his face in both hands and said, "I love you too, darling. I'd like to kiss you now, if that's all right with you."

"I--yes," he stuttered, then whispered again, "yes."

So she did. 

Kai stood on her tip-toes and pressed her lips carefully to his, and then his arms went around her and he was kissing her back and it was wonderful. He tasted like wine and the smell of millennia-old stone dust still clung to him from Sun in Shadow, but the same could likely be said of her and, as his fingers tangled in her hair and he pulled her flush against him, she couldn't find it in her to mind either way.

They pulled apart after a time. Aloth leaned his forehead against hers and they just stood there for a while, breathing each other in.

It was him who finally broke the quiet. "We should probably return to the inn before one of the others comes looking for us."

"Mmm. Probably." She kissed him again, then again when he followed her as she pulled away. She chuckled, "Maybe we should at least take this somewhere less public before people start staring."

"Let them," he murmured against her lips, and at that Kai finally stepped back enough to look up at him. Aloth looked as shocked as she felt. "I want to say that was Iselmyr," he said slowly, "but I'm not sure anymore."

A slow grin spread across Kai's face. She had several things she was tempted to say, some teasing, some genuinely curious, but she bit them all back. Instead, she took his hand and, after kissing him one more time, said, "How likely do you think it is that they left my wine alone?"

"It was gone before the ogre had finished lowering us to the ground." He started walking down the stairs back toward the inn and Kai settled beside him once more. "You can buy the next round, my dear."

\-------

The toasts had finally stopped when they returned, but the party had only just begun. One of the locals had brought out a guitar and Kana was singing an old folk song that Kai didn't recognize. Maneha and Hiravias were singing too, though calling it 'singing' was perhaps kindness more than fact.

Edér materialized seemingly out of nowhere and pulled them into another hug. "There y'all are! I was starting to think you'd went ahead and left town without us."

"Oh, Edér, we wouldn't do that," Kai said, "All our bags are still here."

He laughed much harder at her joke than was necessary and pressed a sloppy drunken kiss to her forehead. "I love you, Kiki. I'm glad you let me tag along back in Gilded Vale. Now, can I borrow your boyfriend for a second?"

Kai's felt ridiculous for the flip her stomach made at the word 'boyfriend,' but she kept it mostly off her face. "He's a grown man, dear, and can make his own decisions. Ask him."

The blush across Aloth's cheeks said clearly that he liked the sound of it as much as she did. His smile was a beautiful, glowing thing. "I think I can spare a moment."

Kai ducked out from under Edér arm. "I'll just go buy our drinks, shall I?"

Before she could escape, though, Aloth grabbed her arm and drew her into a sweet, lingering kiss. It was fairly chaste as far as kisses went, but Kai was still flushed and breathless when he pulled away.

Edér laughed gleefully and pulled Aloth away before Kai could find her words. She shook herself and walked to the bar. She swore she could feel every eye in the place staring at her, but when she looked around everyone was still dancing and singing and drinking and not paying her any mind at all.

Except for The Devil of Caroc, who stood in a shadowed corner by the bar, kith-watching. Kai swore she could feel Devil's smirk, even though her sculpted face didn't change.

"So when's the wedding?" Devil asked after Kai had placed her drink order.

She couldn't tell if Devil was teasing or bitter, but she chose to assume the former and said, "Is that how folk weddings go? One kiss and it's off to the altar?"

Devil shrugged with a creak of metal. "I wouldn't know. But I'm happy for you, Kiki. Really."

"Thanks, Devil." Kai took a sip from her drink and turned to face the room, leaning on the counter next to the Devil of Caroc. She spotted Aloth across the room; he was in a heated discussion with Kana and Edér, though they were too far away for her to tell what it was about. She turned back to the Devil. "I'm glad you stuck around."

"You know what? I am too." Devil studied her bronze fingers, feigning boredom. "I think I may stick around a little longer. Help you keep the nobles in line."

It was a question even if she didn't phrase it as one. Kai smiled and put her hand on Devil's cold, metal shoulder. "Of course you can stay, dear. As long as you like. Under one condition." Devil looked up at her then, and Kai could feel her curiosity. "Keep me in line, too. If I ever start to become one of Those Nobles, slap me around until I snap out of it." She'd run away to escape those kinds of people, and would rather die than risk becoming like her mother. She didn't voice that part, but Devil seemed to understand just the same.

"It would be my pleasure, Watcher." Devil sounded as happy as she ever did. She shrugged Kai's hand off her shoulder, then bumped her shoulder against Kai's--the closest thing to a display of affection Devil had ever shown. "You might wanna go rescue your boy. They're trying to sort out which one of 'em won the betting pool."

"What betting pool?" Kai was fairly sure she knew the answer before she'd asked.

"On when you and wizard boy were finally gonna shack up."

"I--" Kai wished she was surprised, but she really, _really_ wasn't. So instead she said, "I suppose that depends on your definition. If you mean it literally, we've been living together for months, even sharing a bed sometimes. If you mean it sexually, we haven't yet. And if you mean it romantically, we're still figuring that out."

"Which is what the arguing is about, I figure."

Kai turned and stared at Devil. It was impossible to tell what she was thinking, but Kai had her suspicions. "And what did you bet?"

Devil's laugh echoed in her metal body. "I said you were both too repressed to ever say a damn word. Just stare longingly until the Wheel stopped turnin'."

Kai laughed too. "I'm glad you were wrong."

"Yeah yeah, me too. Now go get him before they end up arguing all night." Devil nudged her again, and Kai stepped away from the bar. Before she could get far, though, Devil called out to her again. "Oh, and Kiki? If they ask your opinion, tell 'em that it only counts if you sleep together. Hiravias had his money on this week and I'll be damned if that little one-eyed bastard gets a single pand out of me."

Kai laughed again and said, "Fair enough, dear," then waved her drink at the Devil of Caroc and wove her way through the crowd toward the others.

\-------

It was sometime in the early hours of the morning when the innkeeper told them, in no uncertain terms, that if they didn't all quiet down and go to bed, he would kick them out and they'd all be sleeping outside.

Kai was one of the few still awake, the others sleeping in whatever beds they found open, some of them even in a pile of kith and pillows in the middle of the floor. Her head felt fuzzy from way too much wine and dizzy from being dragged onto the dance floor by Kana at some point, but it was still blissfully quiet. No whispers, no shadows, just her own thoughts and two lifetimes worth of memories. All things considered, she could handle that.

It took three tries for Kai to get her boots off, fingers clumsy from the drinking, but luckily the rest of her armor was easier. She dropped it in a pile by her bed and lay back on her pillow. It smelled very clean, like the tree the Sapling was built in and the wildflowers that grew in town.

She turned her head to watch Aloth undoing the seemingly endless buckles on his leather armor. He caught her staring and she grinned, but didn't say anything; after a moment, he turned back to the task at hand, but Kai could see the tips of his ears turn pink.

Eventually, he finished and pulled the armor away, placing it neatly in a nearby chair. He met her eyes again where she still smiled at him, opened his mouth to say something, then dropped his eyes to his lap again. Kai was pretty sure what he'd been about to say, and was about to say it herself, but he looked up again before she could and said, "Do you mind if I join you?"

She slid over to give him space. "Of course, darling. There's enough room for two."

"Get a room!" said Edér from his bed, head buried under his pillow. His answer was so immediate that Kai could only guess he'd been waiting to say it.

"I paid for the room, dear. _You_ get a room."

Edér just threw a spare pillow in their direction and rolled away. The pillow landed harmlessly near the many-limbed kith pile.

Kai held an arm out to Aloth as he climbed into her bed and pulled the blanket over them. After a little bit of shifting around, they settled together with her head on his shoulder and his fingers once again in her hair. She pressed a kiss to his cheek. "Good news, darling, I probably won't wake you up with terrible nightmares. That should be a nice change of pace."

"You've had none since our confrontation with Thaos?" he asked. He pulled Kai closer until she was pressed against his side.

She shook her head, then laughed as her hair tried to bury Aloth under a landslide of curls. She sat up enough to smooth them back and away and then laid back down. "There, that's better. And no, no nightmares, no whispers, nothing. It's too early to get my hopes up, though."

"Oh, I don't know. I think you've earned a little hope. And a little dreamless sleep as well." He kissed her forehead, then leaned down to capture her lips with his. "We still have a lot of work to do, and you and I still have quite a bit to talk about." He kissed her once more, then lay back. "But it can wait until we get home."

"Mmm. Home." It was still so strange to have one, especially as little time as Kai got to actually spend in Caed Nua. She had time now, she supposed. Time to spend in her home, with her family, such as it was. She knew most, if not all of them would leave. But that was later. That was tomorrow's troubles. Tonight, she had family. She had Aloth.

She had home.

**Author's Note:**

> this is very likely going to have at least one more chapter featuring more of the return to Caed Nua


End file.
